Life doesn’t just happen to you. At least, not as much as we sometimes think it does.

Of course, there are things outside our control. We can’t simply decide not to pay our bills, avoid responsibilities, or magically remove every obstacle from our path. But when I stop and think about it, there are far more aspects of life that are within our control than we often realise. Where we live. How we spend our free time. How we spend our money. The routines we build. The people we spend time with. The priorities we choose.

The trouble is that many of us live on autopilot.

We tell ourselves that we’ll be happier when we move house, change jobs, retire, travel more, or live somewhere else entirely. We imagine that the version of ourselves we want to be exists somewhere in the future, just beyond our current circumstances.

I was reminded of this during a trip to New Zealand.

If life had taken a different path, I could easily imagine living there. It has everything I love: incredible scenery, access to nature, a slower pace of life, and a culture that seems to place genuine value on work-life balance.

But life is made up of choices, and every choice opens some doors while closing others.

One of the best decisions I’ve ever made was getting my Sprocker Spaniel. He’s brought more joy, adventure, companionship and laughter into my life than I could have imagined. But he has also influenced other decisions. While moving across the world with a dog is certainly possible, for us it isn’t the right choice.

So there I was in New Zealand, experiencing a familiar holiday feeling: “I wish I lived here.”

It’s a thought I’ve had in countless places over the years. Sometimes it’s a city. Sometimes it’s a beach town. Sometimes it’s a mountain village. There’s always a temptation to believe that life would somehow be better if I could simply transplant myself into that location.

But this time, instead of feeling disappointed that I couldn’t have that life, I asked myself a different question.

Why?

Why did I want to live there? What exactly was I responding to?

When I started breaking it down, I realised something interesting.

Firstly, I was on holiday. I wasn’t working. I wasn’t managing an overflowing inbox, juggling meetings, or rushing through a to-do list. Unsurprisingly, life feels pretty good when you’re not working.

Secondly, I loved the pace of life. Mornings didn’t begin with opening a laptop. They began with a walk. I’d stop for a coffee. I’d watch people go about their day. There was no sense of rushing from one thing to the next.

The feeling I was chasing wasn’t really New Zealand. It was balance.

That realisation changed everything.

Because while I couldn’t realistically move to New Zealand, I could start thinking about how to bring more balance into my existing life.

On the journey home, my husband and I talked about what we could learn from the trip. We both work from home, which has countless benefits, but it also makes it incredibly easy to fall into unhealthy habits. Back-to-back calls. Lunch at your desk. Entire days spent indoors. Finishing work and realising you’ve barely moved.

So we made a simple pact: Every day, we’d get out of the house. We’d take our spaniel for a walk. We’d stop for a coffee. We’d create a deliberate pause in the day rather than waiting for one to appear.

It’s hardly a life-changing intervention. We didn’t move continents. We didn’t quit our jobs. We didn’t redesign our entire lives. But that’s exactly the point.

We often think meaningful change requires dramatic action. Sometimes it does. More often, though, the life we want is hidden inside small daily choices.

The lesson I took from New Zealand wasn’t that I should have moved there ten years ago. It was that I had been attributing a feeling to a location.

What I really wanted wasn’t a different country. I wanted a different rhythm. And rhythm is something we have more influence over than we think.

I’ve started noticing this pattern elsewhere too. When someone says they want to live by the sea, do they really want the sea? Or do they want more time outdoors? More exercise? More calm? More connection with nature?

When someone dreams about leaving their job, do they actually hate their work? Or are they craving autonomy, flexibility, creativity, or a better balance between work and life?

Sometimes the answer is genuinely to make a big change. But before we assume that, it’s worth asking a deeper question:

What is the feeling I’m actually looking for?

Because once you identify the feeling, you can often find ways to create more of it right now.

Designing your life isn’t about controlling everything. That’s impossible. It’s about being intentional with the things you can control.

The next time you find yourself thinking, “I wish I lived there,” or “I wish I had their life,” pause for a moment: Ask yourself why.

You might discover that the thing you’re longing for is much closer than you think.